If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
