I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
