I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Randomize
