I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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