Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Randomize
