you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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