I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
Come share oat with me in your robe
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
