I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
What should our trivia night team be named?
Define Statutory
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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