my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize
