matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
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besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
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Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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