dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Randomize
