Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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