got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
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