Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
i am craving dick and cupcakes
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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