I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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