True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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