He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
