I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
My vagina is very pro this idea
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
