I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Randomize
