I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
