My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize