Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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