And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
