We should takd a huggy cab to snuggle bunnyville
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Randomize
