Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
