so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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