I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Randomize
