I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Randomize
