i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
These 27 Hilarious People Wrote Their Own Obituaries
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
23 Men Confess What Gifts Would Brighten Their Day
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.