so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
