if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
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