if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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