I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
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So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
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Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.