i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Randomize
