im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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