I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Randomize
