turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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