I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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