I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
