The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Randomize
