If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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