Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
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His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
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I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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