I heard we made out
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Vodka?
Forever.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Randomize
