Your favorite bartender is back from prision
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Sext me about skeletons
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
