just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
