My liver just broke up with me...
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
