the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
