my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
