I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
