I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
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