I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Randomize
