I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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