yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
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