Greg found me on xtube. Who knew random hook ups would leave their web cams on and upload it. At least it shows off big penis.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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