just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
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Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
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There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
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