smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
