I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
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Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
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Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
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