I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
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At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
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Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
There's even glitter on my cock...
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